Got a late diagnosis myself too about 3 years ago and despite all diagnosis are followed by almost a full year of professional help I’m still figuring shit out.
You realise you don’t have to pretend anymore, don’t have to mask everything. Like being an actor and suddenly you’re no longer in the 24/7 years long movie. But this role or mask has been so intense for years that it feels like you’re not you anymore because that mask has been what’s staring back at you in the mirror. You’ve forgotten or repressed who you really are and have to find yourself again.
Then there’s the skill regression which can manifest in all kind of ways. In part I think because you don’t really know yourself anymore since dropping the mask, and that makes you doubt everything (skills) about yourself. Your state of mind is changed.
I’ve explained it to friends like playing pool in bars when you’re drunk. You never play pool sober, only when you’re at the bar, drinking, having fun, and the table is there. You can get quite good at it, you know how the que behaves after a few beers and this is your ‘normal’ for you playing pool. Now you signed up for a small local tournament, great! Problem is, you’re standing there, people watching, expecting. But the tournament isn’t in a bar, there’s no beer, no shots, no way to get in that state of mind where you learned how to play pool well. Suddenly you’re no longer the ‘intoxicated pool player’, you’re just some sober grinning rando holding a pool que…
Got a late diagnosis myself too about 3 years ago and despite all diagnosis are followed by almost a full year of professional help I’m still figuring shit out. You realise you don’t have to pretend anymore, don’t have to mask everything. Like being an actor and suddenly you’re no longer in the 24/7 years long movie. But this role or mask has been so intense for years that it feels like you’re not you anymore because that mask has been what’s staring back at you in the mirror. You’ve forgotten or repressed who you really are and have to find yourself again.
Then there’s the skill regression which can manifest in all kind of ways. In part I think because you don’t really know yourself anymore since dropping the mask, and that makes you doubt everything (skills) about yourself. Your state of mind is changed. I’ve explained it to friends like playing pool in bars when you’re drunk. You never play pool sober, only when you’re at the bar, drinking, having fun, and the table is there. You can get quite good at it, you know how the que behaves after a few beers and this is your ‘normal’ for you playing pool. Now you signed up for a small local tournament, great! Problem is, you’re standing there, people watching, expecting. But the tournament isn’t in a bar, there’s no beer, no shots, no way to get in that state of mind where you learned how to play pool well. Suddenly you’re no longer the ‘intoxicated pool player’, you’re just some sober grinning rando holding a pool que…