We met on a dating app, and he is my type on paper: ethnic/cultural background, education level, sweet and easy to talk to. But I’ve always been on the fence about him and am still confused after a few dates and progressing physically a bit (not casually hooking up). He was understanding of my preference for our first date, and we went somewhere different than where he initially suggested, for reasons I had at the time. We both opened up to each other about past romantic setbacks, random stories, and hobbies over a call that easily lasted a few hours after our first date. We bonded over shared intellect and similar likes/interests, and I think we both feel trust, talking without filter. I recently needed to be away for a few weeks which he took well. Chemistry is great and feels natural.

But sweet as he is, he is also unintentionally chaotic and complex in some ways. For example, he’s mentioned many girls who have left or ghosted him repeatedly, and explicit past sexual experiences that I can’t even bring myself to type out as it involves unpleasant substances and gives the ick. He’s never had a relationship longer than a couple of months, and we’re at the age where I’m not sure I can teach almost everything when it comes to relationships. For the vast majority, we have split the bill since he says it adds up fast when dating multiple people and he wants to be sure before investing further financially. Sometimes when I’m telling a story or trying to share about myself, which is very difficult after dating a narcissist, he seems bored or distracted - I try to be compassionate and chalk it up to ADHD but I’m worried about making the same mistake as my ex who made me feel so small and not enough. His lifestyle is quite extreme, with consistent events in a party scene with occasional use of hard narcotics, and he mentioned substance abuse of marijuana although he says it’s improved now. I will say I also enjoy the energy at some of these events and we bonded over that part, but I feel that he engages in it too often to feel secure if we were to pursue a LTR (that said, he previously had no free time so he’s trying to make the most of it now). He shut down a bit when I asked about his parents; he’s close to his sibling and has a number of friends though.

I really don’t know how to feel, and I am so confused! Part of me feels drawn to him and I have flashbacks to the good moments (as he does too), however I always have this concern that I would be barking up the wrong tree and can’t get this time back and we’re not getting any younger. I just really want to make the right decision. If you can offer any advice, wisdom, or share about your experiences I would truly appreciate it!