We met on a dating app, and he is my type on paper: ethnic/cultural background, education level, sweet and easy to talk to. But I’ve always been on the fence about him and am still confused after a few dates and progressing physically a bit (not casually hooking up). He was understanding of my preference for our first date, and we went somewhere different than where he initially suggested, for reasons I had at the time. We both opened up to each other about past romantic setbacks, random stories, and hobbies over a call that easily lasted a few hours after our first date. We bonded over shared intellect and similar likes/interests, and I think we both feel trust, talking without filter. I recently needed to be away for a few weeks which he took well. Chemistry is great and feels natural.
But sweet as he is, he is also unintentionally chaotic and complex in some ways. For example, he’s mentioned many girls who have left or ghosted him repeatedly, and explicit past sexual experiences that I can’t even bring myself to type out as it involves unpleasant substances and gives the ick. He’s never had a relationship longer than a couple of months, and we’re at the age where I’m not sure I can teach almost everything when it comes to relationships. For the vast majority, we have split the bill since he says it adds up fast when dating multiple people and he wants to be sure before investing further financially. Sometimes when I’m telling a story or trying to share about myself, which is very difficult after dating a narcissist, he seems bored or distracted - I try to be compassionate and chalk it up to ADHD but I’m worried about making the same mistake as my ex who made me feel so small and not enough. His lifestyle is quite extreme, with consistent events in a party scene with occasional use of hard narcotics, and he mentioned substance abuse of marijuana although he says it’s improved now. I will say I also enjoy the energy at some of these events and we bonded over that part, but I feel that he engages in it too often to feel secure if we were to pursue a LTR (that said, he previously had no free time so he’s trying to make the most of it now). He shut down a bit when I asked about his parents; he’s close to his sibling and has a number of friends though.
I really don’t know how to feel, and I am so confused! Part of me feels drawn to him and I have flashbacks to the good moments (as he does too), however I always have this concern that I would be barking up the wrong tree and can’t get this time back and we’re not getting any younger. I just really want to make the right decision. If you can offer any advice, wisdom, or share about your experiences I would truly appreciate it!
OP put your limits and barriers clearly, explain what you expect and don’t compromise.
Best luck in your endeavors!
That said, let’s start the communist parade:
- he’s mentioned many girls who have left or ghosted him repeatedly
- I can’t even bring myself to type out as it involves unpleasant substances and gives the ick.
- he wants to be sure before investing further financially -he seems bored or distracted
- consistent events in a party scene with occasional use of hard narcotics
If you are asking this, then your gut is telling you the answer.
If you’re already saying you think you’d have to teach him everything, you have your answer… It’s OK to not want to take on more than you have energy for. Pass.
If you like him as a person but don’t feel good about tying your life to his, you can just be friends with him. Lot easier to cut ties if those red flags get out of hand.
we’re at the age where I’m not sure I can teach almost everything when it comes to relationships.
I’d try to change this way of thinking. There isn’t a “right way” to do relationships. Instead, think of it as you teach him your preferences and see how much both of you are willing to compromise.
gives the ick
I think that gives you your answer right there.
Use of hard narcotics is a red flag for me, personally. And substance abuse in general as well. No offense to those struggling, but it kinda shows a lack of self control and disregard for safety.
Based on this post and how sheltered it reads I’m not sure of the definition of “hard narcotics” used here.
It doesn’t show a lack of self control and disregard for safety, it’s much more complicated than that. But you really don’t want to be involved with an addict. You just don’t. You’re not going to change them.
I had a baby with a woman who was suuuuper serious about staying clean… Until he was like 2 and she relapsed and bailed on us completely lmfao now I ain’t heard from her in almost 10 years
That’s just my opinion though. I have just heard too many stories about things going VERY badly when addiction and hard drugs are involved and personally I plan on steering clear of all that in my life
Yeah, like my limit would be people that occasionally recreationally use weed or drink.
If I find out that someone was popping pills or taking hard substances, that would be the end of the relationship. It’s not a good match for me.
I also think that if somebody got actually falling down drunk more than once a year, that would be a huge red flag for me. I would probably want to have a conversation about it if it happened once a year.
I feel like these are all things you could share with him. But if you pay good attention when he talks to you, and he doesn’t pay good attention when you talk to him? Deal breaker.
On doing gross things in bed - is he asking you to do gross things or maybe just trying to let you know he is willing to do whatever you like? I had a lover like that - he literally got off on me getting off and I swear if I’d told him I wanted to do a clown in front of him while he popped balloons, he would not have blinked just would have found a clown and balloons. It was so strange but he was fun, it can be a nice time to have someone completely non judgemental. He was not “relationship material” really but I remain so glad to have had that time.
Personally, I’d give it a few more dates. Seems like you’re having a lot of doubts though and that’s ok.
