I don’t even know where to start.
I have known them for over 10 years, it always been very clear to me they are neurodivergent, I’ve known that from day one.
A few months ago they were given a formal diagnosis of autism. I can completely see it, I can completely understand the diagnosis, and I think it is in perfect alignment with many of this person’s characteristics.
I really do not know what the hell is going on in their mind, if the diagnosis has triggered some deep feelings or…
But the problem is this… Ever since they got the diagnosis, they have started to mimic the behaviors that are often seen in people with Down’s Syndrome. She has started to mimic the speech patterns, and tries to crunch her face and squint.
It’s just annoying as fuck. They are purposefully acting like somebody they are not. I am becoming absolutely exhausted with this behavior, especially because they have not changed as a person, they are the exact same person as prior to the diagnosis, they’ve just started acting like an idiot. (E: and I’m also getting SICK of her besmirching people with Downs by ACTING like she has the IQ of a cat)
I am at the point where I don’t want to be around them anymore, but before I limit my contact, what are some compassionate ways I can have a conversation with this person?
I’m autistic for reference. It’s a thing for people to “become more autistic” after their diagnosis. There are a bunch of different reasons for this but I think a lot of it is feeling like you don’t have to mask anymore, which is great, but there’s a period of not really knowing who you are or how you want to present yourself anymore. Most of us eventually find a balance between our true selves and our masked selves. Autistic or not there are things we all need to do to be a part of a functioning society and we can’t just do, act, or say whatever we want.
I don’t know how you should handle your friend but they’re obviously going through some sort of identity crisis. You said yourself you think the diagnosis is accurate so it’s not like they’re making things up. I’m sure they’ll figure things it out in time. You’re allowed to have your own needs and boundaries though so do what you need to do while they figure it out. Maybe just make sure they understand you’re not abandoning them.
I was so convinced that I had autism that when I was diagnosed as not autistic I had the same affect and started behaving less autistic-ly. So yeah it’s a thing, and that’s how rewl the phenomena is, that it even works in reverse.
Ao OP might want to hone in on building up friends confidence by reminding them that they were never like this before the diagnosis and shouldn’t diminish themselves after the diagnosis.
Wow this was a great comment and it e:did change my perspective a bit thank you.
It reminds me of my gay friends who came out in the '80s, and they became ridiculous for a few years, until they figured out that they don’t need to play a role.
Also reminds me of people who enter the Christian faith in adulthood or have any sort of spiritual reawakening. They play it up a bit, because it’s the newest jigsaw piece to their identity. I guess some people might do that with jobs? I had a friend who became an asshole and more right wing after committing to doing a business degree LOL
Got a late diagnosis myself too about 3 years ago and despite all diagnosis are followed by almost a full year of professional help I’m still figuring shit out. You realise you don’t have to pretend anymore, don’t have to mask everything. Like being an actor and suddenly you’re no longer in the 24/7 years long movie. But this role or mask has been so intense for years that it feels like you’re not you anymore because that mask has been what’s staring back at you in the mirror. You’ve forgotten or repressed who you really are and have to find yourself again.
Then there’s the skill regression which can manifest in all kind of ways. In part I think because you don’t really know yourself anymore since dropping the mask, and that makes you doubt everything (skills) about yourself. Your state of mind is changed. I’ve explained it to friends like playing pool in bars when you’re drunk. You never play pool sober, only when you’re at the bar, drinking, having fun, and the table is there. You can get quite good at it, you know how the que behaves after a few beers and this is your ‘normal’ for you playing pool. Now you signed up for a small local tournament, great! Problem is, you’re standing there, people watching, expecting. But the tournament isn’t in a bar, there’s no beer, no shots, no way to get in that state of mind where you learned how to play pool well. Suddenly you’re no longer the ‘intoxicated pool player’, you’re just some sober grinning rando holding a pool que…
After OP’s comment of friends coming out as gay in the 80s I misinterpreted the start of your comment as you being diagnosed gay.
“I’m sorry to say, you have full blown gay, and it’s fabulous. You’ll have a few months to sort out your affairs.”
So, thanks for the unintentional giggle you gave me.
Thanks for your input.
When I was reaching the frustration point my first feedback to her was that it’s important for her to discover herself and live true to herself. And if the diagnosis helps her frame her understanding of herself, gives her a relief, helps explain the way she’s felt, that’s great.
I don’t know how to reinforce that message while also telling her to stop acting like an idiot.
I’m not naive or callous, and I’m highly educated and mental health disorders as I do youth crisis work as just part of my career. I am perceptive enough as well to know that she is embellishing so much and I just need that aspect to tone down a bit in order for me to feel comfortable being around her.