I don’t even know where to start.
I have known them for over 10 years, it always been very clear to me they are neurodivergent, I’ve known that from day one.
A few months ago they were given a formal diagnosis of autism. I can completely see it, I can completely understand the diagnosis, and I think it is in perfect alignment with many of this person’s characteristics.
I really do not know what the hell is going on in their mind, if the diagnosis has triggered some deep feelings or…
But the problem is this… Ever since they got the diagnosis, they have started to mimic the behaviors that are often seen in people with Down’s Syndrome. She has started to mimic the speech patterns, and tries to crunch her face and squint.
It’s just annoying as fuck. They are purposefully acting like somebody they are not. I am becoming absolutely exhausted with this behavior, especially because they have not changed as a person, they are the exact same person as prior to the diagnosis, they’ve just started acting like an idiot. (E: and I’m also getting SICK of her besmirching people with Downs by ACTING like she has the IQ of a cat)
I am at the point where I don’t want to be around them anymore, but before I limit my contact, what are some compassionate ways I can have a conversation with this person?
“dude, quit mimicking a downs person. You may not clue in on it, but it’s uncool to do. Now, what were the dinner plans again?” Or whatever the convo was; just redirect back in once you’ve clearly made the point without dwelling on it.
Sooner is better.
I would say it as precisely as possible:
"[Friend], I’ve noticed that you changed your behaviour since getting the autism diagnosis. First of all: nothing about you or how you present yourself has to change with the diagnosis. If you’re diagnosed with autism, you either always had autism, or the diagnosis is wrong - so there’s no point changing behaviour. Maybe someone picks up on the condition or maybe they ddon’t. You should not seek to make it obvious to others in this way.
That being said, I think (edit: whether consciously or subconsciously) you are imitating your impression of disabled people, conflating several different disabilities into one. Autism does not equate to low-IQ, Down syndrome does not equate to low IQ, and autism doea not equate to down syndrome. People can have any of these three things without signalling it to the wider world, and without it being obvious."
Friends are able to say this stuff to one another without it seeming in bad faith, because of your history together. if your friend interpreted it as an attack or complex teasing, then you give them space (I.e reduce or stop interactions for a while) and wait for it to sink in. I think the implication that you won’t want to be friends with them is there in the text, but you can specify that afterwards, or when they give their response to the initial message.
I’ll add that i noticed a weird misunderstanding arising as consensus on some spaces of the internet about “unmasking” which annoys me and seems to entitled people into behaving badly; once people expect that they are going the go through an ‘unmasking’ period, they might subconsciously exentuate what they see the advice as. Your friend may have had bad advice from professionals on how to behave, in this regard.
Well, what did she say when you asked her why she is doing it?
Gather the courage to tell them what you’re telling us in a polite way. In my mind, there’s no other way around it.
A good friend will confront their bullshit in a loving way.
Okay so how do you suggest I say it?
I don’t want to focus on how ridiculous her behavior is, that is going to make her defensive and double down.
I want to encourage her to discover and be who she is with out trying to fit inside some ridiculous imagined box that she has currently decided to shove herself into.
I really couldn’t tell you that. I don’t know you or her or the dynamics. I can only give you a high level opinion of what I think needs to be done, you’ll need to work out the rest.
I’m autistic for reference. It’s a thing for people to “become more autistic” after their diagnosis. There are a bunch of different reasons for this but I think a lot of it is feeling like you don’t have to mask anymore, which is great, but there’s a period of not really knowing who you are or how you want to present yourself anymore. Most of us eventually find a balance between our true selves and our masked selves. Autistic or not there are things we all need to do to be a part of a functioning society and we can’t just do, act, or say whatever we want.
I don’t know how you should handle your friend but they’re obviously going through some sort of identity crisis. You said yourself you think the diagnosis is accurate so it’s not like they’re making things up. I’m sure they’ll figure things it out in time. You’re allowed to have your own needs and boundaries though so do what you need to do while they figure it out. Maybe just make sure they understand you’re not abandoning them.
I was so convinced that I had autism that when I was diagnosed as not autistic I had the same affect and started behaving less autistic-ly. So yeah it’s a thing, and that’s how rewl the phenomena is, that it even works in reverse.
Ao OP might want to hone in on building up friends confidence by reminding them that they were never like this before the diagnosis and shouldn’t diminish themselves after the diagnosis.
Wow this was a great comment and it e:did change my perspective a bit thank you.
It reminds me of my gay friends who came out in the '80s, and they became ridiculous for a few years, until they figured out that they don’t need to play a role.
Also reminds me of people who enter the Christian faith in adulthood or have any sort of spiritual reawakening. They play it up a bit, because it’s the newest jigsaw piece to their identity. I guess some people might do that with jobs? I had a friend who became an asshole and more right wing after committing to doing a business degree LOL
Got a late diagnosis myself too about 3 years ago and despite all diagnosis are followed by almost a full year of professional help I’m still figuring shit out. You realise you don’t have to pretend anymore, don’t have to mask everything. Like being an actor and suddenly you’re no longer in the 24/7 years long movie. But this role or mask has been so intense for years that it feels like you’re not you anymore because that mask has been what’s staring back at you in the mirror. You’ve forgotten or repressed who you really are and have to find yourself again.
Then there’s the skill regression which can manifest in all kind of ways. In part I think because you don’t really know yourself anymore since dropping the mask, and that makes you doubt everything (skills) about yourself. Your state of mind is changed. I’ve explained it to friends like playing pool in bars when you’re drunk. You never play pool sober, only when you’re at the bar, drinking, having fun, and the table is there. You can get quite good at it, you know how the que behaves after a few beers and this is your ‘normal’ for you playing pool. Now you signed up for a small local tournament, great! Problem is, you’re standing there, people watching, expecting. But the tournament isn’t in a bar, there’s no beer, no shots, no way to get in that state of mind where you learned how to play pool well. Suddenly you’re no longer the ‘intoxicated pool player’, you’re just some sober grinning rando holding a pool que…
Got a late diagnosis myself
After OP’s comment of friends coming out as gay in the 80s I misinterpreted the start of your comment as you being diagnosed gay.
“I’m sorry to say, you have full blown gay, and it’s fabulous. You’ll have a few months to sort out your affairs.”
So, thanks for the unintentional giggle you gave me.
Thanks for your input.
When I was reaching the frustration point my first feedback to her was that it’s important for her to discover herself and live true to herself. And if the diagnosis helps her frame her understanding of herself, gives her a relief, helps explain the way she’s felt, that’s great.
I don’t know how to reinforce that message while also telling her to stop acting like an idiot.
I’m not naive or callous, and I’m highly educated and mental health disorders as I do youth crisis work as just part of my career. I am perceptive enough as well to know that she is embellishing so much and I just need that aspect to tone down a bit in order for me to feel comfortable being around her.
Since she recently got a diagnosis, I’m taking she’s being regularly followed by a mental health professional? If so, to answer your question, I’d say ride it out and let the professionals do their thing, while maybe distancing yourself a bit since it’s bothering you.
They freed themselves from the mask, and they’re trying to find the real them. It will pass, give it some time. I ended up rewinding my life back to teen interests when I realized that that was the last time I felt truly like myself, and allowed those interests to grow and integrate into my other adult interests. That whole process took about half a year
Man, as an Autistic person who has, how can I put this diplomatically, been perceived as having DS by those who are unaware? (I have a big head and the tendency to mumble and indulge in Echolalia) This is a whole ass vibe
In my experience there’s not much to be done, you can’t talk them out of these displayed behaviors cognitively if they didn’t come across these behaviors cognitively eg
*were they evaluated for DS in the past?
I had a fellow autistic schoolmate who was evaluated for schizophrenia before they were diagnosed as autistic, so they tended to interpret things in that lens, like if someone is having a meltdown, to an outsider does it present that much different if they’re have an overwhelming sensory moment, ‘hearing a voice’ or say, having a seizure?
*have they socially interacted with someone with DS?
I’ve seen it been super common for autistic peers to pick up ticks/phrases from others without even realizing it, even if the interaction was years ago
And probably the last step would be exposure, if there is a person with DS in your social setting who would be negatively effected by your friends actions, could you talk with their family/any supporting people that have about introducing your friend to them?
And if not, then their actions seem to mainly be stressing you, and maybe you should decide if your friendship with them is benefiting you both equally and should continue
Not to dump this in your lap or say that you have to be the one to do something or change, but in my experience you’re going to have more luck engineering a situation where they figure it out themselves, than changing their mind with an argument
Yeah, they’ve had the full battery of tests, and presenting ASD symptoms for the most part.
I don’t necessarily want to bend them into changing, part of it will be me adapting to their New freedom to live closer to who they are without masking. But they’ve gone bonkers over the top exaggerating and I need to talk to them somehow.
You are their close friend, and your friend is going through a very tough time in their young life, as much of a core experience as a person can have, and they need love and guidance, not abandonment. Modeling that on both sides would be detrimental for life.
Talk to your friend, feel their feelings, and help them in their next steps. Perhaps that’s already happening with her family. They’ve certainly noticed this odd behavior, too. As her friend, perhaps you should meet them, and help support whatever strategy they are following, or if there even is a strategy. They may be overwhelmed, too, and may welcome your assistance.
Or maybe not. Be prepared for that, too.
Be her friend, don’t quit on her, and someday, she won’t quit on you.
Start acting like you have Downs Syndrome as well when you’re around her. See how she likes it.
Or start acting like an axe weilding homicidal maniac, see how she likes THAT
The Lizzie Borden technique, an oldie but a goodie
Taking spooky season a little too far, dial it back.
Drastic things call for drastic other things.
Yeah time to move on
Actually useless comment, grow up.
Waow. You managed to escalate a thread into toxicity, from a benign piece of advice, within a single reply; that’s pretty impressive.
Notice the hostility is only confined to this one particular thread where you people can’t seem to behave, read, comprehend, ask questions, investigate, or behave like a reasonable human being. Funny hey? Not really, here you are to dump more sour shit on this thread, you guys are the problem, look in the mirror!
I respect the paradox of tolerance. I don’t tolerate ignoramuses like you who show up to vandalize threads, create hostilities, troll, act like obnoxious jerks then wither like precious flowers when you get a little pushback. And you people always resort to the pissy little flaccid aggressions.
Don’t mistake me telling you guys to fuck yourself with me being a hostile person, you have earned it. Be a man and take it because you know what I’m saying is true.
I’m just going to politely say this. The top level comment had your best interests at heart, they didn’t intend to upset you or give bad advice in any way. You briefly wrote at the very bottom:
but before I limit my contact
Which you could argue should limit all conversation to only solutions that don’t limit contact. But you could also argue the opposite; it’s a tiny footnote and it wasn’t clear that this is an important boundary for you. Again; nobody here intentionally wanted to violate any of your ideals.
Flaring up in such quick hostility is a sign that maybe you’re not in the best mental state right now. Honestly, my advice would be to simply do nothing and take a few days to cool off, and approach this with a calmer headspace.
Finally; I would suggest to be wary of the emotion “justified rage”. It’s easy to feel good while hurting others, when it’s usually not the right thing to do.
You asked for advice. Your friend has become an annoying poser. Walk away. That’s the advice. Either accept that people will try and help you who they see fit- or don’t ask for advice
Before you lecture me, why don’t you read what I posted, where you can see that I do not want to walk away and I’m asking specifically to discuss how to NOT do that, dunce.
Sometimes what you want, and what’s good for you aren’t the same thing.
Next time, consider this before asking for advice. People are trying to help. You shouldn’t be an ass because you don’t like what they suggest.
Consider fucking off.
Because you didn’t read the post, and you’re useless.
Seems your friend needs to walk away from you.
It seems like I need to block you which I’m going to do now.
Because you are the type of idiot that does nothing but make everybody’s life worse.
Which part was immature and why?
Because honestly, and I’m not trying to sound rude even though it’s going to be blunt, that is the type of 10-year-old mentality that we see from reddit, where every single problem is solved by walking away. A mature person knows that relationships and human beings are complicated, and we must afford each other allowances and lenience.
A mature person does not automatically walk away from a person they have known for a decade, just because that person is experiencing some change in their life and some challenges.
A mature person does not abandon someone when they are going through mental health issues.
A mature person looks how they can act like a friend, and work with the other person, versus taking the view that the minute something becomes annoying or inconvenient, the answer is to walk.
The idea that you would come and just snap off such a reply without taking any chance to explore the situation or offer a possible solution shows how useless and immature it is.
Stop talking to me after this please.
Don’t waste your breath arguing with someone resuming mental illness to “they’re a poser, walk away”.
Thanks for the support, but I’m not arguing with them, I’m telling them to basically fuck right the fuck off in the most polite way.
What kinds of behaviors do you want to reinforce? What do you want less of? Is it possible to get more of the good stuff and less of the bad stuff in your current context?
If yes, try it.
If no, I think this is a matter of acceptance. It’s really unfortunate.
They do not have the mask so they are free to express more of their true self if they wish. So I would like to encourage that.
I would like to discourage the person from embodying various stereotypes in their worst forms. They don’t have to pretend they have DS, and act like a braying half-wit ignoramus, which is not what DS people are anyways.
Careful everyone, this kid isn’t asking for honest advice and will go hostile on you if you don’t properly advise them in a way that they approve.
Nah dawg, you were being a disingenuous dick in that comment chain. I hope you treat your friends and family better in real life than you suggested OP should.
I suggested they walk away. That’s not being disingenuous.
