For LGBTQ+ folks who want to blend in, what tips or advice can you give?
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How would anyone know your sexual orientation if you dont specifically do things to show it?
Like, dont grab another mans/womans ass in public, dont talk about nice dicks/boobs you saw in a magazine. Dont act like what people generally associate with the other sex (this one might be difficult if your interests lie in those fields). I think homosexuals that stand out a lot are usually aware of it and like to act it out.
I think homosexuals that stand out a lot are usually aware of it and like to act it out.
What a pedestrian view of your own culture. Sad.
Not sure what you mean. There are definitely homosexuals that show it openly and get into a kind of ‘role’, actively acting out the cliches, no need to deny that. I know many gay men and for most you wouldnt notice if you didnt know them, but some are very extravagant and thats their thing.
Unless you’re a walking flaming stereotype, nothing? Just don’t mention your boy/girlfriend
what do you mean, walking flaming stereotype?
Don’t act straight, don’t try to blend it unless you live in Alabama with your parents. Be yourself.
Do this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGmr2W-ADSU&pp=ygUTY2FwdGFpbiBob2x0IGhldGVybw%3D%3D
Talk about heavy breasts
I don’t even have to click the link to know that’s Captain Holt of Brooklyn 99 undercover as a heterosexual man, because that was my first thought on reading the post.
Pick 3 shirts, 3 pants, mix and matchable. Only wear those shirts and pants. Wash them all in the same load. Do not read the instructions. Do not iron them.
Shoes. 1 pair. 2 if one of them is for mowing the lawn.
Move with a purpose. Do not stop to enjoy the finer things. You’ve got place to be that matters more than any beauty that might inspire you.
Do not dog whistle at hunky construction workers. We all want to, but the straight men manage to resist most of the time.
That should cover about 95% of it.
Edit: this is advice is primarily for gay men. I can’t really give “straight advice” to women.
Do not dog whistle at hunky construction workers. We all want to, but the straight men manage to resist most of the time.
We do, although it is terribly difficult. We calculate every route so as to avoid construction sites.
Yes, this is why straight men are often lateI break out in a cold sweat when I’m driving and I see that particular hue of orange on a roadsign. I turn my volume and bass all the way up for my music so no one can hear my catcalls.
Are you really gay? You know so much about straight guys, it’s perfect.
Not gay (yet). My LGBTQ+ friends have described me as “hopelessly straight”.
Less is more.
I knew a guy who was gay, but closeted at work, or at least, he thought he was closeted at work.
He came out to a friend of mine at work, and she took me into confidence, nervous about revealing his secret. I had to tell her everybody knew. I suggested that she let him know that he could be out to the rest of us and it wouldn’t make a difference (partly because no one cared and partly because everyone knew).
When one of the guys was getting married, the gay guy was the one that insisted we had to have a bachelor’s party at a strip club for him. We all went to a strip club because we weren’t supposed to know he was gay and we couldn’t just say, “Dude, you’re gay. Straight, adult guys don’t really do this. Can we just go to a restaurant and get dinner or something?”
Straight =/= misogynistic. In fact, I would argue misogynistic would usually mean some kind of confusion or anxiety about sexual identity anyway.
Straight people aren’t all the same any more than LGBTQ+ people are the same. I’m a straight, CIS male. I don’t like sports at all. I don’t drink beer. I like deep, emotional movies. I like show tunes and musicals. I sew. I also like trucks. I like the outdoors, but I would never want to go hunting because I don’t want to kill anything.
There’s a guy from my high school who everyone thought was gay. He’s not gay, but there’s have probably always been people who thought he is. He has a kind of flamboyant persona. He’s married to my wife’s best friend from high school and they have two grown kids.
My advice, just be who you are. If you can’t be out, don’t be out, but you don’t have to put on an act. The closer you stay to the truth the easier it is.
To give another example from a not-gay guy: I drink beer, I enjoy stupid movies like Gladiator where almost naked guys bash each other’s heads (but not because they are naked, because the movie is funny), I don’t like musicals, I sew too, but I don’t care about trucks.
Why all this? Don’t know, don’t care, being myself is hard enough, I don’t have time to think about it or give excuses.
Being gay is weird for a lot of reasons I can’t understand. I have a friend who is “almost closeted” but too old to hide it fully. We respect his decision not to talk about it, but we always laugh when he makes jokes about blowjobs or crude stuff that only gay bros can do. He’s a great friend and doesn’t look repressed or depressed, but I always hope that he’s not unhappy inside.
Edit: shit, I made 2 answers on the same comment, well, fuck it.
Easy one. Get your best guy/girl friend if you can use their photo as your phones lock screen pic or background.
Look at straight people and act like them? I’m not really sure what to respond. But I know several people who don’t really stand out. And I mean it’s not like we talk about sex and partners all the time on the street or at work. So unless you wear an outrageous dress or have a crazy wig, or tell me… I won’t really notice if you’re queer, or if you have different sexual preferences than me. (I’m not really sure if we’re talking about outer appearance here, or every day situations like going to the supermarket, or hiding your true self from close friends and relatives…) I mean generally it helps not to act too extroverted if you want to blend in, because being loud will get you attention.
The only way I knew my coworker was a lesbian was because she told me about her wife. Literally just be a normal human, and no one will think either way.
I was going to say how would I be able to tell your sexual orientation?? Just act normal. Its only a bit more obvious when someone has a more flamboyant affliction to their speech or dress with a clear label on their clothes that they are LGBT+
True. Though I think the speech thing is some stereotype, and educated people should avoid doing that. I know the average person immediately jumps to conclusions if you talk a certain way… But I’ve learned early on in my teens that this isn’t a reliable way to tell apart gay people from straight people… But I agree with what’s being said here. If you want to avoid being labeled, don’t talk in a “gay” way and don’t be overly nice to people as a man. Or be empathetic or whatever good traits you might have… But that’s all more stereotypes for gay men. Out of all the possibilities of being LGBTQ+
(And people get labeled anyways. I also get asked, predominantly by children, why I have long hair. So the stereotypes start with very simple things. I still don’t know how to react to that. Should I tell them I’m just a nerd and computer programmer, and that’s the stereotype they should internalize? (Edit: I’m a bit sarcastic… I usually tell them everyone can have their hair however they like.))
The speech thing definitely but long hair nowadays no don’t think so. I mean the man bun is a thing.
Though I think the speech thing is some stereotype, and educated people should avoid doing that. I know the average person immediately jumps to conclusions if you talk a certain way
It is common enough to be a recognizable trend even if it is not 100% accurate. That is how it ended up a stereotype.
The only problem is when someone assumes it is always true.
I agree with the speech thing and apologize. There are just same people that are very flamboyant where I live because they are proud and should be.
As I have said before, I dont think I would be able to tell. Theres nothing to do to blend in if you’re just yourself 🤷♀️
By the way: I don’t think you were wrong before… That’s the stereotype. I think it’s a valid thing to discuss, so no need to apologize. It’s stupid, but it’s definitely out there. And I guess it’s different at different places of the world anyways. And in different age groups etc. I still don’t know what OP is talking about… I mean I kind of think those details and the context matter to answer an exact question.
And I’ve also met all kinds of different people… Extroverted, flamboyent, introverted, people who like to talk about themselves or people who prefer to keep that private. I think I agree, with most people and in every day situations, there is just no way of telling who they are or what they like.
It’s a real thing though
Sure. I didn’t want to say it’s not a stereotype or not some real dynamics behind that. It’s just unreliable. Thanks for the link btw, I didn’t knew these studies with numbers existed. If I’m super bored, I’m gonna read some of that. But the first study is wild in the abstract already, mentioning homosexuality in one sentence with another word that we don’t longer deem acceptable to mention in the same context… Guess the world has changed a bit since 1994. But there are newer studies linked as well…
Just wear neutral colors, don’t talk with a lisp, and don’t do the fruity arm thing.
The straights that actually would care, don’t actually know what gay people look like or do other than the stereotypes. If you’re not a stereotype, you could blend in pretty easy by simply not advertising your sexuality.
Shit, I sometimes run into people that claim they never would have guessed I’m pansexual with a lean towards men, even when I am wearing a jacket and hat full of pride flair.
Just don’t wear it on your sleeve and most folks, (the idiots that care, especially), are unlikely to notice. They look for stereotypes, not facts. Your sexuality isn’t the whole of you, it’s just part of who you are. No need to flaunt it, most of the time. If you have a hobby, interest, or career that stereotypically matches the sex you present as, it’s all the more likely no one will notice, and those few that do, probably won’t care.
For gay men, where hats and wear clothes that kind of clash. Drab colors too. My fave is grey shirts and grey pants.
dont wear hats. (except a sports cap if you like sports)
Walk in a straight line, obviously 🙄
Also, sit up straight.
I get it, its just so fucked up that this even has to be a thing!
If you’re a dude, master the nod: down to show respect, up for peers.
Yes, this is very important. Don’t whistle at Costco. Only my dad does that. You’re not my dad, so stop it if you’re doing that.
As someone who has masked both neurodivergence and sexuality, it’s not worth it. It will be challenging to navigate our biased and unaccommodating world, but the challenges pale in comparison to true happiness. Happiness is always fleeting, so seeking a negative peace pretending to be something you’re not is a fool’s errand. Hiding yourself will only ever lead to pain and mental anguish.
“Yeah so for this unmeasurable and ephemeral thing that I myself just called ‘fleeting’ you should totally act non-het and potentially put yourself in mortal danger because I, an internet stranger, said so.”
no one is obligated to follow my advice. OP wanted advice, and my advice from lived experience of over 20 years of masking is that it isn’t worth it.
What’s masking it though. I mean most people don’t talk about their sexuality.
I’m ace, and have hidden it from partners. Needless to say it’s destroyed relationships.
I get your point is that you’ve learned not to do it, but yeah that idea is terrible from start to finish. I’m sorry you had to go through it either way
There’s something in data science that you learn at the very beginning, which is that you can’t observe the counterfactual.
That means you can’t base your data on the possibility of what would have happened had you chosen differently.
What you’re doing is assuming that your (and other people’s) lives would have been better had they been open about their sexuality.
I don’t know where you live, but there is no country with a 0% chance of being assaulted/discriminated against for being LGBT+.
So your assumption that things would have been better is a misguided nostalgia at best, fallaciously wrong at worst.
Edit: gotta love the Reddit brainless downvote bandwagon that’s going on. Nice hive mind.
I’m aware of all of this, and have not discounted it. I’ve been harmed by the expectation of neurotypical behavior, regardless of whether I mask. I’ve been harmed by het expectations, regardless of masking. I pick and choose who I’m open with about these things within my personal life, but I don’t hide it. You’re making an assumption as well, that masking will prevent harm. There’s a reason why I specifically said that it will lead to anguish, and that’s because it’s not a shelter. It creates a mental prison that will lead to a feeling of isolation.
Masking will prevent harm that directly coincides with who you are. It creates a defensive layer.
The het expectations are nowhere near as bad as the risk of harm, physical or emotional, and you can’t convince me otherwise when there are over 70 countries where my (and assumedly your) existence results in the death penalty…
As for the mental prison argument, that’s just life… You can’t live life with the expectations that things will go your way, and actively harm yourself with negative outlooks.
As someone who essentially does the same thing you mentioned about being open to select individuals in my circle, your view is kind of astounding.
I do mask, and so do many people, who are probably happier for it.
I would live in a prison of anguish if I was openly gay and every stare at work or in public could mean judgement or something derogatory.
