I’m beginning to accept that I may never be in a relationship again. There are life expectations I have for myself, some admittedly selfish, but really, the idea of having to deal with another grownup who is as obstinate as I am has left me disillusioned about relationships. But I want to have kids. I want to be a father. For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way. What is the process for dudes? I believe its going to involve a surrogate, but where does one get a donor egg and what not? I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate, just me and the kids.
I have a friend who took that road. He adopted a 13 year old from a bad situation. Said kid is now a college graduate. It seems like that is a rewarding path without as many moving parts.
As a father of two though I can tell you I have repeatedly said to my wife “I have no idea how single parents can do this.”. They do it because they don’t have a choice mostly, but you absolutely do. Make sure you’ve prepared yourself as much as possible and maybe try some extended solo kid time (2+ or better 3+ days) if you have friends with younger kids. It’s not complicated, but it’s not easy by any means.
What a surprisingly positive and refreshing answer. Sigh, now to read the other comments that will inevitably be “WHY WOULD YOU X? BOOO”
An adult who can’t even imagine having to deal with another adult should not be having kids alone. Kids are 100x harder to deal with than adults.
Yeah OP is giving incel and should get therapy rather than a kid lol
I doubt you’d say something so repulsive about a single woman that wanted kids 🙄
Oh good lord shut the fuck up
I would if they framed it like this. I find all genders of incels equally repulsive though admittedly I do think life is more unjust thus my judgement is more lenient.
damn, you’re giving major incel vibes, projection much?
If you can’t deal with an adult partner, dealing with kids might not be so great for you either.
Ya, buddy. With an Adult you are dealing with another human who sometimes can be an asshole, dick, bitch, bastard, cunt , or whatever.
A kid is all those things without every giving a fuck. If you have problems with adults, you definitely will be in hell with a kid.
Nah, kids are innocent 5ill teens. All us grown ups can go fuck ourselves, we’re all set in our ways older we grow, some are grouchy fucks others are well depends where ya live USA, I trust no one other than my kids no other adults
Innocent? Buddy, my 6 yr old is the most ruthless person I know. He’ll circumvent either his mother or I depending on what he wants.
Innocent no. Aware of their actions and what consequences may come? Nah. They don’t give a fuck. It’s why we teach em right and wrong.
Had given this thought and it actually comes from here. Due to unforseen circumstances, I’ve been helping raise 3 kids for the last couple of years and I’m currently listed as their guardian. I’ve been involved with everything from diapers to after school stuff. I’m talking 85%+ of their time and needs comes from me. We went to the county a couple of years ago, to formalise some processes, and I’m now basically recognized.
However, as this situation is coming to an end, probably in a couple of months, I found it enjoyable, despite the stresses. One thing I’ve learnt about kids is that they generally don’t have malice in their intent, while adults scheme and plot. Sure, we have had bad days and tempers have flared, but had it not been this situation ending, I would have done this thing all the way through. Given my extremely soft-landing as a parent, I realized I want more of it. Kids change you. Its weird.
. No reason to make a new kid when there are kids out there who need help. Start as a foster parent and work from there.
Probable. Likely.
“Just adopt” is typically advice given by people who have never had to seriously research adoption.
The whole point of this post was OP asking how to become a father without a partner. That’s basically his only option
All options given in this thread will an absolutely absurd reductions of what would be several hundred pages of serious discourse.
Throwing out side comment as you did adds nothing to the discourse at all.
You can easily have an hour conversation on adoption and only break the surface.
Adoption is going to be hard depending on the state you are from. Where I’m from the state will basically hand you a kid for foster care, but make it a multi year legal struggle to adopt that child even if the birth parents relinquish rights
The comments here aren’t to solve some strangers problems but provide some solace in what is obvious a hard time in their life. Being involved and kids wanting one and yet not having a relationship is a super rough place to be in. Being reminded there are options may be enough.
If they wanted real answers there are much more focused places than Lemmy to get information. Sometime people just need to not be alone.
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You really think women aren’t judged for being a single mother?
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When I’m out by myself with the kiddo I don’t feel judged at all. If anything some people compliment me on it, which feels like being complimented for not being neglectful but I’ll take it.
It feels dangerous to play or even talk with other people’s kids though, but that’s a different thing.
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Why this gets downvoted? It’s true we get different judgements by different people. As a father I’ve been judged for so much shit you wouldn’t believe. Hell recently I had a Karen ask my why I gone to an anime convention with my daughter and if the mother knows. Bitch she is 14 and we both like anime wtf?
Not like single fathers are judged.
Rightfully so! Most of them have killed their wives anyway.
/s
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You don’t want to deal with an adult who may be as obstinate as you, but you want kids?
I would have a think on that before having kids if I were you
Example conversation
Me to my niece: I like the little bow on your hair.
My niece: Thanks uncle N. I want a pink one for my birthday. Don’t forget.
Me to my ex: I like the little bow on your hair.
My ex: What are you trying to say? I’m a slut? Fuck you. Who do you think you are talking to?
No, I am not kidding. She had a complicated relationship with herself, alcohol, her employer and her landlord. The previous one cheated and got pregnant, other one enabled my terrible habits and left me after I went sober and clean. I’m not expecting the exact same response but getting insulted for complimenting someone is a pain. Maybe its my choice of people, maybe its something I do or say, but I know what is working for me, hence how we got here.
No fantasy survives contact with reality
First of all: when it comes to relationships:
not all women.
not all men.
not all people.
Second of all: if you think that was bad you havent seen how teenagers get with their parents yet. and that little girl still goes home and have tantrums you dont have to deal with regardless of how cute the bow is.
So you might benefit from some therapy around relationships before embarking on fatherhood. Especially if you have had limited experience with some difficult people and think raising a teenager is going to be any easier or nicer. And you’re going to wish you had another adult to tag team just to have a time out from with a kid at any age. cuz you cant divorce that kid just cuz they are having a ‘difficult phase’.
From what I’ve experienced, I’d say being with the kids has been far more easier. I don’t have limited experience with difficult people, I have a crap load of experience dealing with difficult people. I’ve lived that life, and I am not going back. Yes, I get that kids would not be a “divorce” away, and I am ok with that. I was a kid too, and maybe I’ve been an asshole, but I have never woken up intending to hurt or trick someone. Neither do these kids so far, outside of trying to get candy and going for movie nights.
OH HAHAHA HAHA …you… you think its easier??
you dont think a teenager wont just say shit to hurt your feelings?
you havent experienced a teenage girl threaten that she will crawl out the bedroom window at 2am, get pregnant and make you raise the child . for what reason you might ask? for no other reason other than her being born and having a bad period/you bought the wrong cereal. and shes 11. threatening to get raped on the street.
and thats after you gave her everything, education, sex ed, food, been there for them.
this is true stories bro. this is true parenthood.
you cannot say i didnt warn you.
think: this person can hurt you the deepest and you are 100% responsible for everything they do. up to and including killing a person after they stole a scooter on your credit card. that is 100% on you.
another adult pulling this shit you can easily extract yourself. you arent lawfully responsible.
teenagers: nope. not as easy. you remain lawfully responsible for everything they do.
Not all people are your crazy ex. The kid will say way worse than that to you they can be fucken mean when they’re pissed off at you.
I get where kids come from. I’ve been raising 3 for the last couple of years. I also get where grownups come from. Its the intent. Kids say hurtful things and lash out, I’ve dealt with that. Grownups should know better than shit on a compliment, or suck someone down with their crap, or be unfaithful. Past the age of majority, yeah, you should own and carry your bag. Excuses should be out of the window. Oh, and if you read my previous post, those were 3 exes, not 1.
People are being weird to you, but I just wanna say that raising a child and co-living with a life partner are completely different things and skill sets.
There’s no rule book that says you need to have a partner to have a child or raise them well. Ignore anyone who says this. If you just got out of a toxic relationship, it’s completely normal and healthy not to want to jump back in the dating pool. I got out of an abusive relationship a few years ago, and I have 0 plans to remarry or even open a dating app.
The average relationship takes a huge amount of work, often fails, and the average divorce time is 10 years. If you don’t want to deal with another adult for a while, there’s zero shame. You’re not doing it wrong, you’re not missing anything vital. You probably already know all this but I’m just giving reassurance.
Kids are much simpler than adults, but harder work. You can get into a routine and life kind of goes on autopilot, and you solve problems as they come up. It’s hard work but it’s typically uncomplicated work, without the emotional manipulation.
Only one warning I will say: make sure you’re in a good headspace going into it. The last thing you want is for any unresolved damage from the relationship to come out as an emotional reaction to something your child does. Then it turns into generational trauma.
Good luck
✧*。ヾ(^.^)ノIt seems a lot of what is going on in this thread needs to have some therapy and possibly medication.
It’s important to get that help when you needed it.
Sounds like the OP is getting to the right space , but could benefit from some guidance on how to deal with being treated so poorly.
Its weird, because yes, my headspace has been forced to improve. I have grown up in ways I can’t explain. Having them forced me to reevaluate myself, cleaned up my diet, stopped drinking, lost about 55 pounds, started working steadily, dealt and is still confronting my legal stuff that I run away from for long, just major improvements, and I became a better version of myself. I’m not doing this because of emotional attachment, but because the better version of me wants to be a dad. Its as simple as that. A lot of people here have judged me in ways I can’t even begin to explain, but it is the internet so, no surprises there. Nonetheless, this is the next step in my life I am excited to embrace. If I am going to put effort in any form of a familial relationship, then kids all the way, raise them, educate them, hopefully be a better role model than I got, and be a better man.
Thanks for the best wishes.
Wait until your 11yo gives you the same response 🤣
I’m raising a 13 yr old girl, a 12 yr old boy and a 9 yr old boy. I’ve been with them on/off since all of them were in diapers, and I’ve been full contact with them going 4 years now. We are doing good.
We are doing good.
Yes you have repeated that so many times now.
Interesting perspective. May I ask your age? I’m going to be 48 this month and while I have similar relationship experience, to the point that I don’t have any experience at all for the last 20 years- I feel like the last thing the world needs is someone as broken as me raising a child. I can’t be trusted to do the dishes these days.
Turning 45. I used to avoid the dishwasher like the plague, now, its the last thing I do before I go to sleep. I can’t imagine dirty dishes around me, a far cry from me and roaches not too long ago. I would ask for you to attempt fostering. It heals people. Its the best therapy you can get.
Adopt, volunteer in an orphanage, have a weekend visit, something like that. Just know it’ll be rough being a single parent.
For women, its fairy easy, go to a sperm bank, pick your choice, get the procedure done and you are on your way.
That’s a bit of an over simplification. There’s 40 of pregnancy and birth. Also caring for a newborn is very difficult. You may be better off trying to adopt.
Oh, I know that. It was intended as an oversimplification. I know the complications that come with it. Adoption is a possibility as well.
If you can’t handle a partner, you absolutely cannot handle being a parent: I assure you it is orders of magnitude more difficult and you can’t just bail like you could in a relationship.
I’m already raising 3 kids.
wants to be a father
raising 3 kids
I think you need to read through the rest of the posts. You are missing quite a bit.
What is the difference, dude? If you are raising kids, just because they biologically didn’t come from your sperm doesn’t mean they aren’t effectively your children now. Or are you one of those step dads who doesn’t consider their children to be their real kids???
It sounds like you already are a father…
I am a guardian. That arrangement is coming to an end. It was meant to be temporary, and that is now happening. I am moving to a different state across the country once that comes to an end. This is what I am thinking after ending this part of my life. I hope you explore the rest of the post to learn more.
I read a fair amount of your comments, but did not see details about you moving away and the guardianship ending.
You keep responding messages like this to people. Put all of the relevant information in the OP. Excluding massive key details and expecting everyone to stalk your profile until they know every detail about you is not reasonable for conversation.
I’m not being unreasonable, but here we are, so let me make this easy.
moving to California… coming to an end…
The guardianship is ending cause the legal processes around the welfare of the children is coming to an end, around the time my legal issue is expected to end. Two separate legal processes. The children are my niece and two nephews. However, remember that all I wanted to know was how this process of becoming a dad with a donor situation could potentially work. I did not expect this would morph into all of this.
Yeah, I don’t think it’s GreenKnight23 who is “missing quite a bit”…
I hope for the sake of these hypothetical kids that you’re just trolling here, otherwise, wtf?
If you live in a state that allows single men to foster and adopt, that is one possibility.
And yes I’m sure paid surrogates can work with single guys. There are agencies for those.
Good luck to you.
Thanks. If all goes as I hope, I will be moving to California next summer which is when I intend to pursue this.
Depends a lot on where you are, but I think odds and society is stacked against you here. In theory, adoption is a possibility, but I suspect you’d face a lot more scrutiny than a single woman would in this situation.
Saw a TV show where two dudes faked being gay, got married all to help the one guy adopt a kid. I know the odds would be far against me.
Some places have fostering with intent to adopt which is way cheaper than surrogacy, but more emotionally fraught (both depending on the kids situation/state of mind, and the risk/chance that they are reunited with their own family before adoption goes through).
If you want actual, specific, resources you probably need to specify where you live.
It’s probably not easy or cheap, but my assumption is that any dude who wants to be a parent enough to do it solo have probably thought it through well, and it sounds like you’ve had some experience and will likely be an involved parent so I’m rooting for you.
Make sure you read to them every single night before bed (even when they’re old enough to read themselves), and eat dinner together every day with no screens allowed, and give lots of hugs and kisses and 'I love you’s even when they’ve been bad, and you’ll do great.
Thanks. I hope to do this in California if my plans come to fruition. Raising these kids, yeah, I’ve learnt a lot about them, and myself. I’m terribly far from being perfect with them, but as you mentioned, reading to them, loving them and eating with them happens pretty often and works. Once they feel safe, are well fed and nurtured, and entertained, they are pretty cool kids.
I have been thinking about this for two years, but I was pretty scared to go beyond thinking because in my own society, there is social stigma around this. But I’m done with all that. I will be judged for being single, I will be judged for being a single father, I will be judged for being a divorced father, I will always be judged. I’m over that. I just want my life, and a family, and if this is how it happens, so be it.
I am not a parent, I am a soccer account on the fediverse, so this is the best I’ve got:
If you’re looking for a gentle on-ramp into having a kid around the house, maybe starting small with something like a home stay program is easier? My local usl 2 team and my local mls side are always looking for people to host young adults who come to the city to train, and there are a lot of foreign exchange programs (by way of example – maybe your area has something similar?). It might be easier to assess how you feel about being a single parent with a teen for a summer than an infant from a surrogate, and as much as I hate to say this, building a bit of a resume as a single man may be required for you, and something like that might help.
I’m already helping raise 3 kids and have been doing so for years. My dynamic is changing, and since I’m going solo, this is one future I want to explore and try make happen.
I also did the soccer team thing, we never won a single game this season, dang. Cleats and shinguards for growing kids pile up quick.
Welp, I did my level best. I wish you all the best in your journey.
You can adopt or find a surrogant and and/or an egg donor but it’s going to be hell and very expensive.
Like six figures in cash expensive.
Yeah, I expect something like that.
What is the process for dudes?
I am not looking to have a relationship with an egg donor or the surrogate
So you intend to impregnate a woman, wait (doing nothing) all the time of her pregnancy and giving birth, then take her child away from her, and call that a “process” and you still think of yourself not being a huge AH… I am impressed… somehow.
As a trans woman of color who is gay, I AM OFFENDED.
As a troll? idc
Isn’t that how surrogacy works? Just don’t forget the money changing hands obvsly
Isn’t that how surrogacy works?
I don’t know. It is forbidden anyway.
Just don’t forget the money
Yes I forgot LOL. It hasn’t that much meaning for me. In such situations, money is just a replacement for force/violence.
It’s legal in many places including US. So it’s not as verboten as all that…
legal in many places including US
Shame on them.
I’d say it’s a grey area. There are couples that can’t have children and want them. There are women that like being pregnant but have too many kids. Yes they exist. Put those two together and magic happens
There’s a whole business around surrogacy. It’s a moral and legal gray zone - in some jurisdictions you can’t eventually adopt a child alone as a man.
It’s expensive, too. You’re paying for the procedure, for the surrogates time and health care - and there are still no guarantees that you’ll end up with a child. Expect ~$100-150k if you’re willing to travel to exploit a woman in a third world country.
And a newborn/toddler is no walk in the park. Expect about two years of lost work.
Are you even in a financial position where this is feasible?
Sort of things I was hoping to hear. No, I’m not going to exploit a 3rd world person for anything. I came up in a 3rd world country, so just no. Professionally, I am doing alright, a year or two ago, I could not afford a McDonalds burger now, I’m received 5% gross from a logistics company that I did a project for and signed up for a %age of the action in lieu of me supporting them. I do about 10 hours a month for that, works out to around 8k gross and I have two other similar placed projects coming up, so that’s looking good.
Been raising kids as I mentioned in another thread, so this isn’t exactly new. Not easy, yup, I agree.
The process seems expensive and the information is murky.
