Sure.
I had someone physically threaten me, in a serious potentially fatal way, while I was working at a convenience store because they thought I was friends with another employee.
A few days later, they said that apparently they had continued to stalk the person they were mad at, and they figured out that I actually did just work at the same place and wasn’t actually friends with the other person. They then approached me while I was working, again, and explained this.
I wasn’t impressed with this kind of apology, and I didn’t pretend to be.
So often (at least in my experience) an ‘apology’ is just used as camouflage for another attempt to argue the point of view of the one supposedly apologizing. Nope, sorry. Try again.
If an apology does not include an explicit and expressed admission of guilt without excuses, it’s not an apology. It’s a con job.
If an apology does not include an explicit and expressed admission of guilt without excuses, it’s not an apology.
I mean, by defintion, an apology that doesn’t include an understanding of transgression, a plan to improve, and a statement of guilt, isn’t a proper apology.
Plenty of times at work, I see people give an apology for something they had no control over, or did have control over but were acting in good faith, so they’re quick to start dropping apologies to management especially, hoping that it will diffuse the situation. I’m quick to step in with “naw fuck that, this isn’t on you, let’s figure out what happened and why so we can stop it from happening again”
Most healthcare settings embrace that kind of no-fault model unless someone was actually behaving maliciously or recklessly, but… that’s only on paper. Management can still be quick to throw someone under the bus if they think it’ll take some heat off the department, so when someone starts offering themselves to the bus cuz that’s the path of least drama, I’ll redirect to systems flaws before management has a chance to act on that.
A sincere apology, absolutely not.
We’re a bunch of social, naked apes. We’re always screwing around with this or that.
Heaven help the local moron who thinks he’s better than the other ape.
If you find yourself constantly surrounded by a bunch malignant narcissists, you’re always the one apologizing, so no worries there.
The closest thing to an apology I’ve heard from these types of people is “I have my faults”. Word for word from multiple individuals.
I’m sorry that you have a find out this way, but you’ve been scammed.
Self-help books have sold you and your community the idea that abuse is caused by a mental disorder. Unfortunately, the remedy these scams prescribe - identifying people with NPD - doesn’t actually protect you from abuse, and it isn’t healing.
You won’t find healing from your trauma in ableist Reddit communities. See an actual therapist and form positive relationships with people in your community. Not “support groups” that blame all their problems on their abusers’ supposed mental disorders and engage in retraumatising. Get a hobby, spend time with friends in the hobby. Join a book club or a bouldering group or a D&D game.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder is caused by genetics and child abuse. People with NPD are abuse victims, just like you. There are plenty of mentally healthy, neurotypical abusers in the world. Blaming shit on a vulnerable minority is pseudoscientific and counterproductive.
No lie I’ve been offered this apology:
Sorry I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty darn close!
About the same as “let’s just start fresh!”
I feel like a good reply to “I have my faults,” is, “List them.”
yes, and yes.
because they didn’t take responsibility for their actions. they blamed continued to blame me for ‘making’ them do it.
and i’m not talking about hurt feelings. i’m talking about cheating, lying, and theft.
Yeah I’ve rejected apologies that didn’t address the transgression and explained directly why. Sometimes people see what you mean and you can tell they feel guilty that they’ve wronged you, even if they didn’t fully understand why. In a way that’s often good enough, as long as they can also understand why after being told.
I’ve had people categorically revoke their apology after giving a shitty “sorry if my totally valid actions makde you feel bad” sort of apology and being rejected. So you spit on the ground and tell them never to darken your vision with their presence. Easy.
Yes, I was still furious, they didn’t even really admit to the issue.
Was it right?
I still think so, I don’t think you should get away easily if you screwed up. I think you should have the opportunity to own stuff and improve and earn the respect and trust of everyone involved through that. But nobody owes you to just move on.
Yes I have, yes it is, and I’ve learned to be a little more graceful and gracious about it.
Insincere, not addressing the issues, addressing them and repeating them, sorry-not-sorry.
Apologies (and more importantly amends) are owed and paid because they are a debt on the debtor. I am not in turn owed a receipt for either. It hurts to not get an acknowledgent, but if I’m upset that I didn’t get one, I have to start this statement over.
Worth noting I am really bad at this. Been actively trying it for exactly ten years as of tomorrow come to think of it…
I have been on both sides, and I believe the only justification needed is in the heart of the individual. Another thing to consider is that narcissists often weaponize apologies to avoid consequences. Theirs become meaningless over time to those “closest” to them.
Yes. An apology is a promise to do better in the future, and I wasn’t interested in remaining in contact with that person.
My life has improved without them. I don’t miss them. So I feel like it was the right call.
My mother has a habit of giving insincere non apologies, and I started to reject them because I know their fake. Whether it’s the standard “I’m sorry if you are offended/your feelings are hurt”, I’m just over them. No thanks. Change the behavior.
Hey! My mom does that too!
“Sorry you can’t take a joke.”
Oh I love that one! The oh you were offended? Then I was joking of course!
I highly recommend saying "I don’t get it. Why was that funny?’ Really throws them off their game!
