Feel free to share when you came in with a line or joke at just the right time - nothing beats a well timed moment!
It was my own joke, but I was reading where people used to swim in the tidal basin in Washington DC.
Coworker goes “really?”
I paused for a second and said “well, you couldn’t, but yeah white folk did.”
He’s black.
More like when a joke happened to me … my husband was watching Curb Your Enthusiasm which I never got super into cause it was hard for me to watch Larry David be Larry David. But this one day, I got back from shopping at Costco and went to the kitchen to try and get the ridiculous plastic clam shell packaging off of whatever I bought. I was struggling, trying to cut it, pull it, wouldn’t budge. I go into living room and literally Larry David is doing the EXACT SAME THING on the tv, stomping on it etc. My mind was blown and my husband was all, see that’s all it takes! One thing like that and you’re hooked! I’ll always respect that show for making that cosmic thing happen lol.
A colleague of mine lost a finger a few months earlier while climbing a fence, jumping down and forgetting about his wedding ring. Anyway, we were in a conference call with another office and he jokingly wanted to check the video feed. He asked them: “how many fingers do I hold up?” In that moment I came up with “I’ll give you a hint! It’s not 10!”. It was funny because everyone had forgotten about his finger and only realized after a few secs.
I was at an Aquabats show and they were about to play The Baker, they were interacting with the crowd about things they love and the crowd responded with each thing “WE LOVE [thing they said]”, then before the song they told us they got the muffins to throw into the crowd from a local place called Dick’s Bakery, there was a moment of silence and I screamed out “I LOVE DICKS!!” And there was an audible giggle from the entire crowd.
I was at a restaurant with my wife’s family - lots of kids.
This place was in a fairly rural area and there were chickens pecking around outside.
While eating one of the kids says “A chicken just crossed the road!”
No hesitation at all I yell “WHY?!?”
Driving along the highway, step daughter and friend in the back seat. Friends dad in the passenger seat. Voice from the back says " look the geese are in a V". I ask " Does anyone know why one leg of the V is longer than the other?“. No reply, I say " because there’s more geese on that side”. Dead silence until friends dad busts out laughing, we’ve been friends ever since.
Had this in my meme folder for a long time now.
Daaad, get off the interent.
I don’t get it. Is this like an “obvious explanation” joke?
I was with some friends, talking about TV shows. The guys were saying how good Chernobyl was, but women were saying it’s too depressing, and they’d rather watch trash TV like Love Island. So to compromise I said they should make a series called Three Mile Love Island. That might be one of my best jokes ever
I don’t get it. Care to explain, please? Is three mile a reference to Chernobyl?
It was a different nuclear disaster in America. Not as bad as Chernobyl
Thanks!
Every damn time I speak.
I’m sometimes exhausting…
Picture this.
Couple days after Hurricane Ivan; Taiwanese kid, black guy, me and another white guy, playing cards on the porch, a single light bulb powered off a van battery.
Black guy we just met keeps getting me and the other white guy mixed up, swapping “John” for “Josh”. After about the fourth time, the other guy pipes up:
“I’m John, he’s Josh.”
Black guy is sorely embarrassed.
“Man, I’m so sorry y’all! Just can’t get it right!”
“It’s cool. I know us white people all look alike to y’all black folk.”
dead
silence
<everybody looking around to see if it’s cool to laugh>
We were SCREAMING!
my in-laws were at the grocery store and an older black lady came down the isle looking confused. she spoke up and asked, “Are there any crackers in this isle?”
my FIL spoke up and looked her dead in the eye and said, “Just the two of us.”
The lady stood there for a moment, even more confused and then busted out cackling as she walked away.
not even a few minutes later, a couple isles over, the cackling resumed with some other laughter with it.
racism’s powerless in the light of comedy.
Oh my lord, perfect! In the late 90s I had never heard the word cracker. Working Nissan Consumer Affairs, lady on the phone went off, “Well ain’t you a smartass little cracker!” Slammed the phone. (And yes, I was being a smartass.)
Pulled my black friend aside, “Hey Darren, just got called a ‘cracker’. Sounds like a racial slur, right?”
LOL my god, he took a step back:
“SHALFI you ain’t never heard that word?!”
“Um.”
“You know, like a slave master? <pantomiming a whip>”
“OH!”
Many years ago I went to the movies to see a movie, I think it was Season of the witch (although I thought it was way before 2011). There’s a scene where someone is trying to do an exorcism and the demon shouts with a very deep voice “SILENCE”, and then there are a couple of seconds of silence in which I couldn’t resist calling in the correct tone “I kill you”.
For those too young or that have already forgotten about it look for Achmed the Dead Terrorist on YouTube.
I feel like racist puppet man may be better off forgotten, though.
Probably, I honestly don’t remember the actual sketch too much, but at the time it was part of the zeitgeist and it was an example of perfect comedic timing.
are you not entertained!?
I have two. The first one I can’t even believe it happened because it feels like bad writing to contrive the perfect circumstances.
I was in a tiny local comedy thing and we did these Weekend Update-style reworkings of local news. Someone was working out a skit that involved a bear and asked if anybody had a bear suit they could borrow. Turns out, they were pretty sure someone else at the comedy theater, a guy named Juan, had one. Someone asked, “Would it fit me?”
I had to say it.
“Guys, Juan size fits all!”
—-
The other was waaaay back, watching The Matrix at the student center in college. It had been out for a while and everybody had already seen it, but getting to rewatch it for a couple bucks on a big screen was worth it even for a poor college student. It comes to the scene where Agent Smith has Morpheus chained up and is interrogating him, then he describes the way humans consume and spread and destroy everything around them. Smith says, “Do you know what else does that?”
I call out from the crowd…
I’m not the kind to talk in movies, but again, I had to say it.
I regularly do something similar to the second one: depending on the vibe, when a Lord of the Rings rewatch is happening, I’ll often answer Elrond’s “Welcome to Rivendell” with “…Mr. Anderson.”
It’s so hard to see Hugo Weaving as anything but Agent Smith. Elrond just looks like he’s gone undercover.
Especially during the Council of Elrond, when Merry and Pippin burst in and it cuts to his reaction shot. You almost expect him to spontaneously grow a pair of Ray-Bans out of his head.
And then pretty soon the whole Council is just Smiths.
“So be it. I shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.”
These are both brilliant. I applaud you!
🫶
My buddy had gotten some front row seats at a comedy club, and during his set, the comedian says “I just turned 50. Which is concerning because I had a midlife crisis at 25.” There was very little reaction from the crowd. As the comic gathered himself to continue to the next bit, I said “OHHH, it’s a MATH joke!”
He gave a little chuckle, smiled and said, “yeah, a math joke.”
I gave myself a gold star for making the comedian laugh at his own show.
I hope he incorporated that into his set to use if the joke doesn’t get a reaction, stuff like that would definitely save a flat joke for me.
It was Brian Regan’s older brother Dennis.
If anyone has seen him do that bit in the past 10 years or so, let us know if he worked it in!
An older co-worker was getting dentures, and had all his teeth pulled in preparation. For a week or two he had been on liquids only. We all sat down at the lunch room table to eat every day as a routine. Most of the company was family so they were all mostly related as brother, sister, etc. So said co-worker proudly exclaims that this will be his first time eating solid foods in weeks. It turned out to be two cans of vienna sausage. So about halfway through the meal he opens up the two cans, and then stares at them. Then he calls out to his brother sitting across the table and lifts the two cans up, and says “What do you make of this?” One can of vienna sausages was visibly lighter than the other can. I immediately interrupted with “That’s an easy one.” Pointing to one of the cans I continued with “That one is lips, and that one is assholes.” We were all rolling on the floor laughing except for denture guy. He was so pissed off he just threw out the two cans and walked out. I have never had another moment like that where the joke just came to me in real time. It was a wonderful moment that I will cherish always.
Could you explain this? I don’t know if it’s an translation error or local figure of speech where lips and assholes means something else than body parts, or if I need to know what a can of Vienna sausages is to get the joke.
It’s an old saying that hot dogs are made from lips and assholes, meaning all the parts you don’t want to eat.
I see, thank you
watching clerks 2 in theaters.
the scene when Dante and Rosario are talking about fucking on the prep table and how she got mayo all up in her cooch. my friend and I both shouted out, "that wasn’t mayo!”
folks got a kick out of that. the laughs were even better when it turns out she got preggers.
On a visit in the GDR when it still was real. Me being young and from the West, I tried to tell them a political joke about the GDR. Then they explained to me why the joke doesnt work, and their reality is even worse than my joke.
It was embarrassing, comical, political, all of it… Can’t make up such a situation.
(I don’t repeat it here, because hardly anybody could understand it anymore today)
Go oooooon.
Love from Germany (former Brandenburg).
