Don’t. Just don’t.
This sounds like a guy I wouldn’t want approaching me.
Don’t. You want to meet someone? Do things you like that involve other people and naturally encourage conversation. Sign up for shit. Volunteer.
Think about how you’d react if a rando woman approached you. Actually don’t, let’s add something to that. Think about how you would feel if a rando woman, who you don’t find attractive, approached you after you’ve been told to smile by the barrista who made your coffee, after six guys at work tried to explain the basics of your job to you when you have seniority, and your soon to be ex partner suggested you should start waxing your upper lip five minutes before you had to leave for work, after the security guard at a grocery store followed you outside at night to ask for your phone number.
Go do hobbies.
Oof. You’re really getting shit on here, and without a lot of context or nuance.
The phrase “Cold Approach” is what is rastling the jammies. It smells like “Pick up artist” bullshit. People can smell it from a mile away, and it reeks. No advice could solve that, as long as that’s your mentality.
If you can really internalize that women aren’t objects (most men fail this. Most men who think they don’t still do) then no question about doing anything to a woman is even internally conceptualized as being to a woman, it’s just to a person.
The right question is “how can I start a conversation with someone I don’t know?”
But since you’ve already tipped your hand that your goals are romantic initiation… Reset those goals.
Best answer here. He’s also focused on how he looks which reinforces he just wants sex.
How do you approach a woman in real life? Easy, same as you’d approach a man. Don’t do anything different, it’s pretty easy.
Ah so both impossible tasks.
no question about doing anything to a woman is even internally conceptualized as being to a woman, it’s just to a person.
This makes me realize just how ingrained into all of us these gender roles are.
I didn’t really think much into the original question, but it really is just a very discrete way of asking “How do I bang a random hot girl?” I mean, that IS the reason they wanted to approach them in the first place.
Hard disagree. I have the exact same question, and I just wanna meet a girl to be romantic with, I don’t care about one night stands or anything. And I hate online dating because I have to filter by attractiveness and I don’t go on there to bang people, I actually wanna find someone I connect with.
It’s easy to equate everything to pick up artists but the truth is as a shy and introverted person what options do you have?
I know there’s a good reason for women, trans and nb people to be cautious, but at the same time, discouraging people like this literally breeds pick-up artists. Because you are giving me no solutions, you are only saying what not to do and how I’m bad for even thinking about it, while these guys are giving me “solutions”. Now I’m not gonna listen to them because I don’t even wanna have sex, but other people in the same boat as me will.
I know this opinion is controversial but if people gave me actual ways to meet someone in a romantic context that don’t involve sexualizing them, I’d be the first one to try it. It does have to be more specific than “vibes” or “be nice” though for obvious reasons.
Stop trying to find people to approch solely for the goal of romance. Or for any goal besides getting to know them.
You aren’t getting told “good advice on how to approach someone for romantic purposes” because generally you need to treat them the same way you’d want to be approached by a (potentially unattractive) stranger without sexual or romantic intentions. Stop this thought process of thinking about people and social interactions as some sort off transactional “insert set of actions and tactics, recieve sex/kisses/romance/physical touch/friend”. Or thinking about social interactions in terms of seeking a goal.
You meet the person first. Establish some level of baseline non-romantic non-sex no external motivations relationship first. Then you try to expand to more. This doesn’t have to be some extended drawn out process, it can even all happen same day, but they are discrete steps.
I met my wife at an acquaintence’s graduation party, where all of my otherwise mutual friends with the graduate were out of town. Saw someone else who looked like they weren’t sure what to do with themselves and struck up a conversation as something to pass the time. Did I find her physically attractive? Sure. But I wasn’t going in to try and make anything of it but small talk.
We hit it off with conversation about our backgrounds, found that we had similar interests, and ended up spending multiple hours together. Just talking, for the most part like I would talk to any of my long term male friends. I still wasn’t trying for anything except “This person is really interesting and I want to spend more time together.” So when things were wrapping up I said as much. Something simple like “Hey, I’d love to hang out with you again sometime! Can we exchange numbers?”
The “oh, I want to try dating her” didn’t occur to me until that night when I couldn’t stop thinking about her. I didn’t actually ask her out on a date until around a month later, and it was to something that I was going to go do by myself regardless. If we went out together and it was just friendly, I would have been sad, but it wouldn’t have ruined the evening’s plans or anything.
You don’t need to hang around in “the friend zone” just being “a nice guy”, but going into casual interactions with explicit goals of sex or romance will really fuck with the entire way you interact with people. It’s not how you would want to be approached by a (in this case imagine unattractive and 3000% not your type) stranger, so don’t subject others to it.
Edit: Secondly, shy and introverted is a big hurdle. I live that too.
But you’ll only get better at socializing through trying it (and probably sucking at it, I did). It sucks, but building socializing and related soft skills opens all sorts of doors in life, whether it comes naturally to you or as something hard won.
Again, focus on general socialization skills. It’s not something reasonably min-maxed, and people will see through goal oriented socializing, especially if you aren’t super skilled at it.
Well if that’s how it works then I have no hope of finding someone. Socializing is literally so taxing that I only do it if I explicitly need to.
Ofc I also had people telling me “come on dude don’t be a little bitch just go talk to people” but that’s just not possible for me if I know it will be for more than an hour and it might just be “for the hell of it” because I can only take 2 social occasions every two weeks and the rest of the time I need to recharge alone at home. So either I survive my obligations and take care of friendships, or I can waste 2 weeks just so maybe I can advance socially and I tend to value my friendships more.
Now I believe everything you said but it sounds like we are very different. Btw I do wanna say I am not bad at socializing, I just really can’t do it a lot. Probably average social skills, little bit less than average looks and rizz.
I don’t say this to be condescending but idk what to tell you, building a romantic relationship with another human being will inherently require some amount of socialising. Since you really wanna operate with a specific intention, you view any socialisation not in direct pursuit of your goal as wasted effort, and no woman just going about her daily life wants to be asked out outta the blue, maybe dating apps really are your best option 🤷♀️ Sure, the UX deliberately sucks dog eggs, but like, it’s a space where it’s socially acceptable to romantically pursue total strangers and it doesn’t take too long to establish that you’re both on the same page wrt what you’re after.
I have several friends that are married to people they met in World of Warcraft. You don’t need to go out to connect with people anymore.
Whether it’s sex or romance, it’s still the same thing.
Here’s why:
What do you know about this person? Absolutely nothing. You would be approaching them for one reason only, you find them attractive. Would you consider doing the same thing to someone who was not attractive? You say you’re looking for a partner, but you just picked a random person. You could have absolutely nothing in common. Do you walk up to random guys hoping that you might have a shared interest and make a new friend?
Whether it’s sex, or a little heavy petting, you have a goal in mind and you’ve mentally decided that a complete stranger should help you fulfill that.
How did you meet your friends? I’m guessing you interacted with them at work or school or someplace, and discovered that you had shared interests, as you discussed those interests, you realized that your personalities complimented each other. They made you laugh and you enjoyed spending time with them, and they felt the same about you.
Boobs shouldn’t change the process. Treating someone differently only because of a physical trait is the definition of discrimination.
I know that what you’re describing is VERY normal. That’s why I said it’s so ingrained in our society.
There’s some truth to what you’re saying but I still disagree. People are cool if you approach them because you wanna be friends but when you approach them with romantic interest things get difficult.
I know one way to look at relationships is best friends who have sex, but the truth is interactions change greatly between friendships and relationships.
Do you walk up to random guys hoping that you might have a shared interest and make a new friend?
Yes, on occasion. And it turns out, cold-approaching kind of works for that. And I usually also don’t need to be weary of personal boundaries because I’m not looking for closeness.
Whether it’s sex, or a little heavy petting, you have a goal in mind and you’ve mentally decided that a complete stranger should help you fulfill that.
Or I don’t know what I want because I’m approaching a random person to see if we vibe and what that looks like for us.
Just because I’m looking for someone doesn’t mean they’re tools for me. I just wanna do it respectfully, and not push boundaries.
Treating someone differently only because of a physical trait is the definition of discrimination.
I’m gonna give it another hot take and say discrimination is bad, but it stops right where attraction starts. If you find someone unattractive, you are not obliged to ask them out. It’s perfectly fine to only ask people out who you are attracted to. And if you are attracted to someone for their nose, that’s fine by me. Imo that’s actually an admirable state of society to be in.
I’m not saying we don’t have a societal problem when it comes to this stuff but I’m starting to think “just go out more” is something that just doesn’t work for everyone so we should find something better for those people.
If you find someone unattractive, you are not obliged to ask them out.
Nobody is saying this.
Since you went through and claimed to be the opposite of everything I said, I have to assume that you don’t actually have the same question as OP. I think you have a different problem that I don’t understand.
Step 1: be attractive. Step 2: don’t be unattractive. Step 3: always be aware of your surroundings for aggressive animals. Step 4: ne
I’m sure attraction is part of it but also if that’s the only thing you think that matters then we have a very different experience.
all women are objects ; men too.
How do you strike up a convo/friendship with a man?
Always my first question because too many folks asking questions like this don’t. If a person can’t cultivate a platonic friendship, a romantic relationship is beyond their current skill levels. Romantic relationships are hard mode.
Haven’t you seen the rise of male loneliness? They don’t.
Take a shower, fix yerself up proper. Be as affable & kind as you probably are. The rest? That’s on you.
You should only “cold approach” people in a setting you would want to be cold approached by a random guy. And yes I mean you as a presumably hetero male being approached by another male for the same purpose. If you wouldn’t like it, assume others wouldn’t like it.
If you were at some singles event, that’d likely be okay as that’s the purpose. If you’re at the gym for instance, I’d presume you wouldn’t like it.
I’ve been out of the game for a long time but I would suggest being extremely polite and only do this in scenarios where being approached by a rando would be acceptable. Maybe if she’s alone at a bar or some social event like Renaissance faire or comic con. Hell, if she’s just waiting in a line for something and you’re behind her, might as well talk. Be observant and do not interrupt her. Wait for an appropriate moment. If she rejects you, apologize, thank her for her time, and walk away(if you can) without another word.
I have been approached by men before while I’m doing something like looking at video games or comics/whatever. When they start by talking about what I’m doing that helped me open up to talk to them and it became successful interactions. Though I had to turn them down every time because I’m married lol I have made a few friends this way.
Side note… I don’t know why I’m like this but whenever a guy approaches me when I’m somewhere like home depot, auto zone, or Walmart, I become immediately annoyed and I don’t want to know them. LOL maybe this is just me. I’m at these places with specific goals in mind.
Sorry that I only listed out nerdy things, it’s all I know 😹. Good luck!
Good advice thank you ^^
By genuinely not being only interested in them being women.
Please don’t cold approach women at all.
If you want to learn to talk to people, start by talking to old people.
Folks who were around before the internet actually spent a good portion of their lives just making small talk with strangers.
Next, develop some hobbies/pursuits that involve socializing. Adult league sports teams, or volunteer work, or community theater.
This won’t work 100% of the time. my dad’s in his 80s and hates talking to people he doesn’t know, thinks everyone’s out to get him so he doesn’t engage with them.
He doesn’t
Be in Siberia, Alaska, NWT, maybe inside a meat locker. Then head in her direction. Then leave her alone!
Look, I’ll be 100% honest, I know it will sound bad but believe me it depends on the woman. Is she super hot and beautifull? Don’t. She already got a lot of attention all the time and she won’t be nice. maybe she just want a nice time without men aproaching. Is she very obviously ugly woman? Just say hi. Adjust your action according to the beauty spectrum.
Is it stupid? yes but it’s true.
